Little B is in the middle of a two week learn to swim boot camp. Never before have I had to say the exact same thing to the question of, "Where are we going today?" for two weeks in a row. The monotony is starting to wear on all three of us a bit but we're pushing through because my little man is old enough and strong enough to be safe in the water on his own, which is what this program promises to accomplish. So every morning this week Baby P and I have crowded into the bleachers of the natatorium, along with countless other parents and siblings, to watch our kids be lifted up by their teachers and then promptly dropped into the water. It sounds cruel but they say the kids will learn to find their way to the surface when challenged to. So I sit and watch, knowing that sometimes as a mom you just have to swallow the desire to protect your kids and let them learn on their own. I know that Little B is not loving it, but he's also not quitting, not protesting (too much) and so I'm proud of him. For whatever reason, he's willing to push through to achieve the greater goal. (And fingers crossed the willing attitude continues through the end of the program!)
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| Marching in to his preschool graduation - one proud little boy! |
I can relate. The best metaphor for my life right now also related to water. I imagine myself moving along in a pretty swiftly moving river, and most of the time, with a good bit of effort, I'm keeping my head above water. But a couple times a week I feel myself sinking under and have to fight to get back up. And it is hard work. Summer is supposed to be relaxing right? My school is off. Preschool is off. Hubby T gets off work half an hour early everyday. My initial worry about this summer was that we wouldn't have enough to do. Now I fear I'll be more exhausted at the end of the summer than at the beginning. Why? Because I got myself a part-time summer job. It's 10-15 hours a week (i.e. manageable, with some maneuvering, while caring for the kids) working for the children's ministry program at a semi-local Presbyterian church. When I went in to interview, my inherent excitement and enthusiasm for Christian education shone through, without my even thinking about it, so I felt reassured that this is work that is important for me to do. But now I find myself, very unexpectedly and very quickly, wrestling my way through the transition from stay at home mom to working mom.
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| First s'mores of the season |
Now I recognize that I may sound a bit dramatic. I know this is a temporary change of identity (at least for now) and I'm only gone from home two mornings of the week. I am in no way abandoning my kids or my house/yard work or my husband. But man oh man it sure feels that way sometimes. I hate having to tell Little B that I can't play with him in the afternoon because I have to get work done. I hate having my mind pulled in different directions when an email comes in about work right when the boys are clamoring to be fed lunch. I hate thinking about what life will be like when I do go back to work on a more full-time, permanent basis. If it's this hard now, what will it be like then?! I hate wondering if the work I will be doing will even be effective (much bigger issue to tackle another time). So why am I putting myself through this? Why put myself in a position to be lifted up and dropped in the water where I can't stand? Why not just cling to the side of the pool and rest?
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| Joyously anticipating what is to come |
Because I believe in this calling God put in my life. Whether I like it or not, I enjoy doing this work and think it's important. And because as much as I would love to permanently be a stay at home mom and just tend to my little flock, God asks us to do more. And this part-time summer job is another step down the road of me doing more. It's an example I want to set for my kids, to serve others and to follow God's calling in your life. It's the work I feel I am meant to do. So I'll keep struggling to find my way back up to the top, just as Little B is. I just pray that it gets a little easier, with this season of practice. And I pray for grace for all the water I'll be splashing on the people around me as I figure it out.
