"It's six am, I'm so tired,
The alarm sounds, a new day begins,
before I go and disturb this peaceful morning, I look to you -
I wanna say a prayer, before my feet can hit the ground,
Lord I give this day to you."
That song has been cycling through my head again this week, and this morning. I share because, as I type this, it is 5:30 am (on a Saturday) and those words seem to be all I have to offer God right now. Because it's the dawn of Day 6 of my week on campus for this semester. I have six more hours of class to get through before I can try to safely hold my anxiousness in check as I drive four more hours home to my loves (and kudos to Gramma for holding down the home front this week!)
In the midst of pushing through this fourth year of seminary, taking on a new (and paid!) Christian Ed role in a church, struggling to process in a healthy way what is going on in our country and consider what actions I need to take in response, and dealing with the actions of regular, everyday life, writing about my boys has fallen by the wayside. Holidays have come and gone, birthdays have come and gone. Growing is happening all around Hubby T and I and when I have thought about sitting down to try and capture it, I find myself at a loss for words.
My Little B is six years old now and I continue to be, as I always have been, so proud of this boy. I associate six with learning to read and starting to loose teeth. He hasn't accomplished either yet but Hubby T and I suspect his brain is just about ready for reading. We're going to start gently pushing him to read himself more and see what happens. He doesn't like to try things that are hard, but we also want to give him the skills to not give up just because things are hard, so this will be a learning experience for all of us. I started reading him the Harry Potter series this winter, we've read the first two books and watched the first two movies. He is delighted and we are enjoying the fun of sharing stories that we have enjoyed. I'm also reading him a Mrs. Piggle Wiggle book right now. I was hoping that her fictional "Won't-Pick-Up-Toys" cure and "Slow-Eater-Tiny-Bite-Taker" cure might have some hidden gems of practical parenting advice for my boys who suffer from similar ailments, but no such luck.
Kindergarten has been a good year so far for Little B. His teacher told us at his first conference that he's one of the kids she relies on in class to always have the answer and model good behavior, which didn't surprise either of us. I can tell that he enjoys being part of the school community, participating in school-wide events, riding the bus, being responsible for himself in the crowd. It squeezes my heart on a daily basis that I don't know who or what he is encountering once he climbs up those big school bus stairs. And he's not usually very forthcoming with what his school day held (what is it with kids not telling us about their days?!) I am trying to trust that we are raising a wise son who is learning how to honor God and love his neighbors as he goes along in his daily life, but as the stay at home mom who used to know every detail of his day, this has been hard for me.
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| Studying old stone with his magnifying glass |
And now for the child who I do still know everything about - my Little P, who loves and plays fiercely every moment of every day and leaves me in awe. It doesn't seem fitting to call him Little P because almost nothing about him is little. He is a strong, solid kid (weighs more than his older brother now) who wakes up smiling and ready to play and doesn't stop until the minute his head hits the pillow again. He always, always wants someone to be playing with him, and I just have to hope that I am not causing any permanent psychological damage related to his mother rejecting him when every single day I have to say, "No, I can't play with you right now, I will play with you after I eat my breakfast/lunch". Fortunately he and his brother have gotten into a wonderful routine of playing together. It's not always smooth sailing but when it is, it is glorious and I love that their best friends right now are each other.
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| Don't be fooled, Little P's knees landed there with oomph! |
Little B still loves horses, has latched onto a stuffed animal dog that he calls "Doggie" and is drawn like a moth to the flame to anything Star Wars. If I'd known how strongly he would react I probably would have held off introducing the Star Wars world to him at this young age, but Hubby T was ready to share it with Little B and I think most parents understand (sympathize?) that standards start to lapse for non-eldest children. The sounds of their pretend light sabers and laser guns are now the soundtrack of my days. I have struggled with them play acting with violence but have come to a grudging understanding and acceptance of it, at least for now. Little B enjoys preschool but can't wait to be a Froglet next year (in the classroom and with the teacher that his big brother had). And I am daily torn between joyfully anticipating the time when they will both climb on the bus in the morning and recognition that the next year and a half before that day is precious time with my littlest one that I won't ever have again. He sleeps in his bed, with his head on the pillow, under his covers now. That might sound normal but compared to his butt tucked up in the air position of toddlerhood or how he used to sprawl and lie on the bed in any and every direction like when he had a crib, I feel that my littlest has turned a corner. We're joyfully turning the corner with him (no more diapers, hooray!) but also prayerfully hoping that we can keep up with this whirlwind of a boy.
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| Victorious! |
Earlier this week my New Testament professor shared a quote that used to hang on a past colleague's door -
Education is the process of moving from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty.
This rings so true for my seminary education, as the more I have learned about the Bible and theology the more I have realized how much I don't know. Things I thought I knew I have unlearned and I have had to wrestle with what it means to hold faith and teach faith from a place of "thoughtful uncertainty." I feel the same way about parenting right now too. Gone are the days when I could be confidently sure what I was doing - change diapers, provide food, play in the baby swing at the park, read 2 board books and be ready for bed - it all seems so easy now by comparison! My babies have grown out of the baby/toddler stage at this point, and we are moving forward into elementary-school land, filled with thoughtful uncertainty and hoping for the best.
