When I was a child

Confession: I do not read parenting books.  It's not that I don't find them interesting, but in the limited amount of time I have to read, I enjoy reading for my pleasure, not to keep my brain in toddler-land for even longer than it already is everyday!  So maybe if I was a parenting book reader I would have known that when people talk about the "terrible two's" what they are really talking about is control.  At least that's what it means for my son.  Little B's independence has been growing for many months and at first I enjoyed giving him choices because I liked to see him think independently.  And it's not that I don't enjoy that anymore, but giving him choices has become a much trickier business. 

For example, pretty much every weekday morning starts like this.  Little B and I get up when Hubby T is walking out the door for work.  We go downstairs and I pull out Little B's chair while he pulls out whichever boxes of cereal from the pantry he wants, along with whatever other food he's in the mood for, and then climbs into his booster seat (unassisted).  I ask him which cereal he wants first, if he wants it in a scoop or a bowl or on the table or sometimes he even insists on eating it directly from the box.  Eventually he will ask for milk, at which point I ask him what cup he wants it in, and if he wants it with a straw, and if so he gets to pick from the bag which straw he wants.  And so it goes until he declares he's ready to get down.

Does all that sound ridiculous?  Just reading it makes me shake my head in amazement and wonder, am I catering to his little toddler whims too much?  But I also know that if I try to make any of those decisions for him - to lift him into his chair, to give him one type of cereal in a bowl, to pick out a milk cup - chances are very high that he will immediately protest, whine, cry, and refuse to eat or drink until he gets "his" way.  Giving him control over these things seems an easy trade-off for getting him to eat breakfast.  But then repeat this scenario in a million other ways: putting clothes on, which clothes to put on, which toothbrush to use, when to get buckled in the car seat, climbing into the car seat, climbing into the car, lunchtime, dinnertime, bathtime...our days have somehow become a series of moments that have the potential to be completely unmemorable or complete disasters and how I approach them, whether Little B has any control over them and whether they go his way, makes the difference between a good day and a bad day. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I am not a pushover parent.  On the things that matter, things will go my way no matter how he reacts.  And if that leads to a meltdown then so be it.  But I also don't like how the bad times can wear on me, and how I can turn into the type of parent I don't want to be in those times.  I'm sure that being pregnant doesn't help, but sometimes I sit down for my bible study quiet time in the afternoon after putting the boys down for nap and all I can think is, "Lord, please forgive me for loving so imperfectly.  Please refresh my spirit so that I can get through the rest of this day."  And then I give thanks for nap time and the quiet it brings and the break it gives me and let myself relax for a little while...

A couple days ago, after a particularly wearying and frustrating morning, my thoughts were floating in this area when I started comparing my parenting relationship with Little B to God's parenting relationship with me.  Like me and my son, God only wants what is best for his me.  Like me and my son, God gives me choices in my life (free will).  Like me and my son, God will sometimes put His foot down and things will not go the way I want them to.  And like Little B, I can have major temper tantrums during those occasions.  It is uncomfortably humbling to put myself in the role of the two year old and God in the parent role.  Generally I think I have a pretty good idea of what I'm doing in my life, but from God's perspective, maybe I really am an incredibly young, unwise two year old.  God has a much bigger understanding of the world that I live in, He has a much bigger understanding of me and what's good for me and what's not, and He has immensely more control over my life than I give him credit for on a day to day basis.  Most of the time I am confident in my interactions with Little B, in giving him room to grow and learn through his choices when it's appropriate and intervening when it's not... shouldn't that give me a deeply abiding confidence in God's Father role in my own life?

It's hard to "let go and let God."  It's hard to admit that we are not in control.  It's hard when life doesn't go our way.  But it's also infinitely comforting to know that not only does God love me as much as I love my own son, but times a hundred thousand million trillion.  He loves me as I love my own son but He loves me perfectly.  And no matter how happy I am or not with how things go in my life, I know that He is guiding me and molding me, helping me to grow and become the new creation that Christ has declared me to be.  What a daunting job!  Maybe it's not so bad to not be in control sometimes...if only I could teach the peace that comes from that trust to Little B! 

^"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 
~ 1 Corinthians 13: 11-12