The conversation I wish we could have

Dear Little B,

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I had to wake you up from what was obviously a deep, deep sleep at the end of naptime today.  But if I don't wake you up you won't go to bed, so it was for the best.

I'm sorry that Daddy had to go to church without you tonight and that it made you sad.  I know you love spending time with your dad but you're just not old enough to help serve the homeless yet.

I'm sorry that I didn't wait for you to wake up more before insisting that you try and go to the bathroom.  I'm trying to get you in the habit of going at consistent times, when I am 99% certain you need to go, and after nap is one of those times.

Most of all, I'm sorry that we got into a contest of wills.  Mommy who is certain you need to go and really doesn't want to clean up an accident versus the spun out of control temper tantrum of a three year old who is stubbornly, irrationally, equally certain he doesn't need to go.  I realize that going head to head didn't get us anywhere.  I realize it made you resist sitting on your little potty on principle and that's what led to your eventual accident when you couldn't hold it anymore.  I'm sorry that I didn't parent you better through that situation.

But I wish that you could apologize too.  It's hard on me to see you spin so strongly out of control where nothing I say or do will make anything better.  It's hard to have you come out of this tantrum, calm down while having a snack, and then be happy as a clam as if nothing happened for the rest of the night.  I'm glad you don't hold a grudge, but I unfortunately do.  The only thing that will redeem this night for me is a cup of hot chocolate and Netflix now that you are finally in bed and out of my hair.

I'm sure that there will be many, many, many times in the future when we will have to offer and accept forgiveness to and from each other.  I feel like tonight was just a glimpse into what is to come, and I'm not going to lie, it's going to be tough, and probably pretty heartbreaking for me.  In the meantime, I will go to bed tonight and pray for the strength to continue to be the bigger person, to be able to model grace, patience, and forgiveness to you so that someday you will be able to model them back to me.  Today was tough little boy.  Let's both try and do better tomorrow.

Love Mommy