Today, I had to take a day. I skipped church. I napped. I gave myself permission to spend only 30 minutes on school work. I got the work done around the house that needed to be done but I didn't push myself or even Hubby T. I read the boys an extra bedtime story. Now I'm writing while cuddled up next to the husband while watching the Eagles game. I am almost never this relaxed in the middle of a semester. But today, I needed to take a day.
Because last week was a week. I spent six hours a day for six days straight on campus at my seminary for the one week a semester that we are all required to meet and learn face to face. Let me say from the outset that surviving these weeks, even these classes, would not be possible without my classmates. I feel like I needed a lot of extra support this time around and I am thanking my God for every single one of them, for their empathy and insights and grace and love. Our morning class was Digital Culture & Spirituality. If you think that would involve discussions of how we integrate technology into our churches and faith journeys, you would be mostly wrong. Instead our teacher led us in a pretty narrowly defined discussion of how the way we think about our world has changed since digital culture has emerged, and then how we need to rethink the way we do church, bringing into consideration those new ways we think about the world. If you are furrowing your eyebrows and cocking your head in slight confusion, you are not alone. That was pretty much my stance from 8:30-11:30 am for the last week. In the afternoon I spent hours typing frantically as my incredibly intelligent professor enlightened us as to what the prophetic books of the Old Testament are really about. There's a lot of doom and gloom and destruction, as you would expect, but there are some key, almost hidden concepts that change any conception you think you have of God and the narrative of God's people and how the Old Testament connects to the New Testament. It was interesting and challenging and difficult to keep my mind porous enough to absorb everything that he was saying. And all of it was exhausting. Can you blame me for needing a nap today?
These weeks that I spend away are invaluable learning time for the part of me that feels a clear calling to be a Christian educator, but they are also really healthy for the other more-dominant-for-now part of me, the mommy part. On the one hand, it is such a relief to not have to brush two sets of teeth twice a day, to prepare meals for only myself, to wake up in the morning and have time to exercise and pray and shower and do homework all before 8am! It is liberating to not feel responsible for the physical/spiritual/emotional/educational well being of two other human beings twenty-four hours a day. And it's also heart breaking, because anyone who knows me knows that my heart beats for my little boys. I couldn't get home before the boys went to bed last night, and I had a hard time falling asleep because I was so excited to see them in the morning. When I woke up to the sound of Baby P talking in his crib, I went into his room, whispered his name, and he immediately popped up and threw his arms around my neck without a word, his joy and love expressed through the strength of his hug. Shortly after, Little B emerged from his bedroom a good 45 minutes earlier than usual, ran downstairs, threw himself into my arms and settled down in my lap like a bear settling down for hibernation. My boys missed me and I missed them and life is right again now that we are back together.
I spend a lot of time figuring out how to do it all. How do I get homework done and healthy-for-all-of-us food cooked and keep the house clean and keep the boys moving and exploring outside and playing with friends? And oh yes, there's that marriage relationship that the experts say you have to put before your children but really? These experts clearly don't have my kids because how is it possible to love anyone more than them, especially when they demand so much and (out of respect and love) the understanding husband demands so little? I'm grateful for the way life got shook up, I'm grateful that all the pieces are falling back into place. And, for this moment, I'm grateful for one more night of rest before I pick up all those pieces again.
"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. 13 When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29: 11-14
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