Embracing joy

Why, you might ask, am I awake and blogging at 5:30 am on Christmas Eve?  Surely there is cooking and baking to be done (yup).  Surely there are pre-Christmas calories to be burned off (yup).  Surely I am going to regret this by about one pm this afternoon when things really get going (most likely).  But I can't help it.  My family is here to celebrate Christmas with us in our new home and it's almost Christmas - I'm excited and, therefore, wide awake!

I have a decorative plate that I put up every Christmas season that reads, "Joy resounds in the hearts of those who believe in the miracle of Christmas,".  I know, it's cheesy.  But I like it because there are some important things to believe in at Christmas.  First of all there's Santa, and the plate reminds me of the message of one of my newer favorite Christmas movies, The Polar Express.  Not only is the movie magical, but who can resist Josh Groban's soaring voice at the end inviting us to believe?  But, of course, the real thing that I choose to believe in at Christmas is Jesus.  That God sent God's son to earth in the form of a baby with a plan for him to save us.  There is a lot about Jesus that is unbelievable.  There is a lot about the Jesus' birth story that's unbelievable.  But I read a blog post yesterday that stuck with me.

"How much room do we have for exuberant happiness, unrestrained celebration, and extravagant wonder? 

Sometimes, joy gets crowded out by our often unconscious assumptions that skepticism is a surer mark of intelligence than is faith and that suspicion is more authentic than affirmation. 

At least since Descartes, doubt has been more satisfying to the Western mind than has trust. I don’t want to surrender any ground we’ve gained by the exercise of rigorous reason; after all, it has helped to expose folly, sham, and superstition. Critical reason and sound logic are companions, not adversaries, of genuine faith. 

I’m not interested in blind belief or deaf assent, not at all, but perpetual deconstruction leaves us bereft of enchantment, transcendence, and mystery. Carlyle Marney used to say that the mind is like an attic window: stuck open is as bad as stuck shut. What do we affirm, trust, and believe?"

My awake-at-5-in-the-morning-because-it's-almost-Christmas self loves how this author invites us to embrace joy this Christmas.  There is a lot to be wary of in the world.  Belief is hard.  Life is often tragic.  There are many for whom joy is just not what they're feeling right now, and that's perfectly alright.  But if you can, I hope that you will join me in trying to embrace simple joy and belief.  The belief that God can do miraculous things to bring God's love to life here on earth.  The belief that God acts in ways beyond our understanding to be with us.  God's love was the first Christmas gift, it's a gift that is still being offered and received...it's unbelievable, incredible and pure joy.

O come all ye faithful...come let us adore him.

Merry Christmas!

The dark and light of Advent

A blog post I read yesterday commented that this has been a dark Advent season, and the phrase has stuck with me.  There are so many horrible and terrifying things happening in the world around us, and so much un-loving going on by those in our country in response.  "Peace on earth" is a common platitude to hear during this season but I think we all need to give it some more serious thought and prayer than perhaps we normally do.

So I've not only been feeling very sad about all these tragic events but rather guilty too.  Because what am I doing about it?  What can I do about it?  A theological thought that has been brought to the forefront of my faith by seminary is that I as a Christian have a responsibility to help bring God's love and God's kingdom into being here on earth, now.  But what in the world can I do?  What do I actually want to do?  It's very easy to hide in my little corner of the world and focus on my family.  Which is in fact what I've been doing, because my two little shining lights are blissfully ignorant of what's going on in the world around them, and there is no sense or point in bringing the darkness into their lives, not yet.

And so in caring for them I have my temporary escape from the darkness.  And for better or worse, we got to spend our Saturday setting up our Christmas tree, fresh from the farm!

We took a hay ride over the hills and through the woods to pick out our Christmas tree.

Mercifully we didn't lose track of this quick footed one in the grove of pine trees, but he sure had fun giving us a run for our money!

Tree victory!  Hooray for super Hubby!

Then they humored me by posing in Santa's sled while Daddy loaded the tree in the car.

How privileged most of us are to be troubled by the news but not directly impacted.  The darkness of this season may not go away, it may even get worse, so I guess it's fitting that we're in a season of Advent, of waiting for the light of the world to come into the world.  We're all here waiting God, please show up through us and show up for us.  We're all waiting...

Thankful rest and thankful fun

Thanksgiving with my family is generally a pretty low key affair because we don't have any extended family around.  But now that we don't see my immediate family as often, it makes the time we do have together extra special.  While I took advantage of all the extra hands around to write a big school paper and Christmas shop and go to the movies and consume my annual Chick-fil-A peppermint chocolate milkshake, my boys were busy having their own kind of fun...

I don't know about where you were but at Gramma and Grampa's house it was warm enough to paint almost naked outside on Thanksgiving!  Annual tradition in the making perhaps?

My dad bought this light tree several years ago as a project for him and Hubby T, back when they were the only men in the house and needed something to do while we girls did our thing.  Now someone else gets even greater joy out of helping to put it together.

Super chef Gramma! (Great picture of you Mom!)

Quality grandfather-grandson time

Quality BFF time!

I felt a little strange being back at our old stomping grounds so soon after moving, but it was definitely worth it to spend time playing again with these precious friends:)

We drove all afternoon to get home and it was all I could do to stop all three of my boys from running into the house and immediately pulling out all the Christmas boxes.  Let the Christmas craziness begin!

Reflections from the break

Today, I had to take a day.  I skipped church.  I napped.  I gave myself permission to spend only 30 minutes on school work.  I got the work done around the house that needed to be done but I didn't push myself or even Hubby T.  I read the boys an extra bedtime story.  Now I'm writing while cuddled up next to the husband while watching the Eagles game.  I am almost never this relaxed in the middle of a semester.  But today, I needed to take a day.

Because last week was a week.  I spent six hours a day for six days straight on campus at my seminary for the one week a semester that we are all required to meet and learn face to face.  Let me say from the outset that surviving these weeks, even these classes, would not be possible without my classmates.  I feel like I needed a lot of extra support this time around and I am thanking my God for every single one of them, for their empathy and insights and grace and love.  Our morning class was Digital Culture & Spirituality.  If you think that would involve discussions of how we integrate technology into our churches and faith journeys, you would be mostly wrong.  Instead our teacher led us in a pretty narrowly defined discussion of how the way we think about our world has changed since digital culture has emerged, and then how we need to rethink the way we do church, bringing into consideration those new ways we think about the world.  If you are furrowing your eyebrows and cocking your head in slight confusion, you are not alone.  That was pretty much my stance from 8:30-11:30 am for the last week.  In the afternoon I spent hours typing frantically as my incredibly intelligent professor enlightened us as to what the prophetic books of the Old Testament are really about.  There's a lot of doom and gloom and destruction, as you would expect, but there are some key, almost hidden concepts that change any conception you think you have of God and the narrative of God's people and how the Old Testament connects to the New Testament.  It was interesting and challenging and difficult to keep my mind porous enough to absorb everything that he was saying.  And all of it was exhausting.  Can you blame me for needing a nap today?

These weeks that I spend away are invaluable learning time for the part of me that feels a clear calling to be a Christian educator, but they are also really healthy for the other more-dominant-for-now part of me, the mommy part.  On the one hand, it is such a relief to not have to brush two sets of teeth twice a day, to prepare meals for only myself, to wake up in the morning and have time to exercise and pray and shower and do homework all before 8am!  It is liberating to not feel responsible for the physical/spiritual/emotional/educational well being of two other human beings twenty-four hours a day.  And it's also heart breaking, because anyone who knows me knows that my heart beats for my little boys.  I couldn't get home before the boys went to bed last night, and I had a hard time falling asleep because I was so excited to see them in the morning.  When I woke up to the sound of Baby P talking in his crib, I went into his room, whispered his name, and he immediately popped up and threw his arms around my neck without a word, his joy and love expressed through the strength of his hug.  Shortly after, Little B emerged from his bedroom a good 45 minutes earlier than usual, ran downstairs, threw himself into my arms and settled down in my lap like a bear settling down for hibernation.  My boys missed me and I missed them and life is right again now that we are back together.

I spend a lot of time figuring out how to do it all.  How do I get homework done and healthy-for-all-of-us food cooked and keep the house clean and keep the boys moving and exploring outside and playing with friends?  And oh yes, there's that marriage relationship that the experts say you have to put before your children but really?  These experts clearly don't have my kids because how is it possible to love anyone more than them, especially when they demand so much and (out of respect and love) the understanding husband demands so little?  I'm grateful for the way life got shook up, I'm grateful that all the pieces are falling back into place.  And, for this moment, I'm grateful for one more night of rest before I pick up all those pieces again.

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. 13 When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29: 11-14

Fall fun

I wanted to have something quipy or rhyming to say about these pictures of our fall adventures.  But I've got nothing.  All I can think of is a little song we learned at library story time a couple years ago.  So, sing the following to yourself to the tune of "London Bridge" and enjoy!

Autumn leaves are falling down, falling down, falling down.
Autumn leaves are falling down, we love autumn!

"I pet him Mom!" Good things these goats are used to being accosted by little kids.

Mom-demanded "Cheese!" after picking his apple at the orchard on his very first field trip!

Family walk through Longwood's fall meadow?  Okay!  Yo ho let's go!

Changed his mind, yo ho no go

Except walking sticks make everything better.

So do surprise hidden animal statues

 

When we weren't motivating our little walkers, we enjoyed views like this...

And finished our hike with story time in a tree house!

Yup, we love autumn!

My favorite things - house edition!

Hubby T has spent this cold, rainy Saturday settling into the house in his Hubby T way while I trudged my way through school work and the boys ran around not distracting us too badly.  I love our house and I love the way it's coming together so for those who have been wondering, here are a few of my new favorite things...

I designated our eat-in kitchen space as the boy's play space.  This little man is taking to playing art just as wholeheartedly as his big brother, and I love that they're not doing it on my table anymore!

This is my spot my friends!  My awesomely wise mother-in-law encouraged me to spend the extra money to buy a kitchen island with bar stools, even though I wasn't sure how they would fit into the kitchen (note that the second one doesn't, but that's okay) and boy was she right!  Every afternoon during nap/quiet time, I park it here with my drink and school books and go to town.  (No, the wine glass is not my normal afternoon drink:)  I love that the kitchen is my space and that it's my favorite room in the house.  And if you were to sit in this chair and turn around this is what you would see...

Mommy Command and Control!  I decided to make this counter/cupboard space work as my desk instead of buying one.  It's a little tight but I love having space for me again:)  And speaking of personal space, check out this cutie.

Sorry for the back lighting, but this is the view from his doorway so you get a sense for most of his room.  As you can tell by the disheveled look of things, he's had no trouble making himself right at home (once Gramma and Grampa provided replacement bed rails so that we could actually put his mattress on his bed, thanks again!)

I asked Hubby T to hang this right outside Little B's room.  It's a reminder of the wonderful friend who took these pictures back when our family was still teeny tiny, and of how far this amazing boy has come.

The tree in our front yard is completely encircled by these somewhat overgrown but still beautiful daisy plants!  I noticed all the buds about to pop on the day we moved in.  A really fun, unexpected treat from our yard:)

The previous owner put this on the wall above the back door in the kitchen area.  A little cheesy but nice sentiment, especially considering my last favorite...

Family dinner in our family dining room!  We finally have a comfortable space for the lovely dining room set that Hubby T and I bought when we got married.  The leaf is permanently in the table and two more chairs will be ordered shortly to make sure we always have room for others around our table.  Come visit soon friends!

Sneak peek

Home!

The view from the back (my new little piece of heaven)

Can you spot the oldest one?  He found a bit of shade and made himself at home:)

"Helping" Mommy the kitchen cleaning machine

Happy family!

And we topped the day off back at the house that actually has furniture with special snacks for the first Eagles regular season game of the year!

So much more work to do but the end is in sight...stay tuned for more!

Summer of Awesome, Summer of Grace

Many moons ago, about 5 months to be precise, Hubby T was scheduled to come home from work one week day morning to participate in a Skype interview for a new job that was, in his words, "perfect."  Before we cleared out to give him quiet, the boys and I pulled up a YouTube video of the "Everything is Awesome" video from the Lego Movie.  We left it on the computer screen with a post-it note informing him that we thought he was awesome and wishing him good luck on the interview.  I know, the song is a bit obnoxious but it's also catchy and I knew it would bring a smile to my Lego-loving husband's face.

My two very best buds!

Fast forward five months and Hubby T is now well settled into the said "perfect" job.  And, not surprisingly, the "Everything is Awesome" song has been joyfully and spontaneously bursting forth from my boy's mouths all summer long.  While some parents might groan, for me these musical explosions have been a beautiful whisper of grace, a reminder that in spite of the challenges of moving, everything is, in fact, awesome.

We left before the sign changed from "under contract" to "sold"!

When all is said and done, we will have lived with Hubby T's parents for about two months between selling our old house and closing on our new one.  While this limbo period has been emotionally taxing on me, the boys have had daily access to two of the most generously loving grandparents ever.  They also happen to be two of the most awesome in-laws ever, and have continuously stepped in to help me out or give me a break from the boys exactly when I've needed it without me saying a word.  Awesome grace...

"Helping" Mom-Mom make yummy blueberry pancakes:)

In an effort to keep the boys active and entertained and distracted from tearing apart their grandparent's house, I've been working hard to find new places for us to explore and adventures to have around our new neighborhood.  Although there is no replacement for CW, we have already paid for our membership to Longwood Gardens, which not only has beautiful paths to walk around (including 3 tree houses and 2 children's gardens) but it also has an amazing organ that has captured Little B's imagination.  (I love seeing how music speaks to his soul!)  We've explored Mom-Mom's library, splashed around in her neighborhood pool, explored about five different playgrounds multiple times, conquered three different amusement/water parks, visited several extended family members, joined a great children's museum, gone back to school shopping, found an interactive farm with new animals to love, joined a new MOPS group and started making friends, changed our driver's licenses and license plates, and reconnected with an old college friend and her kids, who so graciously and easily picked up our friendship as if a decade hadn't passed since our lives intersected and for this breath of fellowship I will be eternally grateful.  Awesome grace...

One of our many adventures - on the lake in the Poconos!

We've experienced a lot of frustration with our new house because the seller hasn't been willing to make any of the repairs to the house that we requested other than what she's required to do by law.  However, it's nothing we can't fix ourselves so we keep returning to the big picture that "everything is awesome" and the hope/belief that this house will be just right for our family.  I can't wait to sign the papers and start the process of settling in soon.  Tons of anguish and anxiety, but at the end of the day, awesome grace...

Conquering fears and enjoying the ride with the taller best bud who won my heart first (sorry little boys, you can come with us when you're taller!)

And finally, one of the biggest things that I was worried about - finding a preschool opening for Little B so late in the summer - turned out to be one of those instances where God is at work in greater ways that you could ever have imagined.  In the process of selecting Little B's school, I applied for and was offered the aide job in the school's brand new two year old class, which just so happened to have exactly one opening left for Baby P.  So starting next week, we'll all pack our lunch boxes and backpacks and start going to school two mornings a week, hopefully embracing the chances to make new friends, rejoicing at the ever so small financial contribution I'll finally make to our household and regaining a sense of structure to our life.  Awesome grace...

Ready to take off!

Did I mention how much I love being up here and living close to family?  The biggest drawback is that by moving closer to Hubby T's family we moved significantly farther away from my family, something we're all still adjusting to.   In the meantime, we're surrounded by family, Eagles football is back, and my favorite season of fall is already on its way, which will include lots of visits from my family and a preschool field trip to an apple orchard!  Our house is almost ours, and we're well on our way to creating our new life.  I am so glad to say, my friends, that everything, most of the time at least, is awesome...

Home

When I was growing up, a decorative plaque hung on one of our walls which said, "Home is where the Navy sends you."  And this was true, it had to be true, for a family that was uprooted and moved around at someone else's will.  And after going through what I've been through this summer I have no idea how my mom did it (or any military wife, past or present, for that matter).  What I realize now is that I probably internalized the attitude presented on that plaque at an early age.  Moves happen.  You make the best of them.  Home isn't determined by others.  It is determined and created by you.

I've been thinking a lot about home this summer.  Probably because we sold one.  And are in the process of buying another.  And are living in yet another in the meantime.  And none of them are truly my home.  It's a strange limbo kind of place to be in and is definitely taking its toll on the state of my general well being.  So the little boys and I sought refuge in yet another home last week, the home I (mostly) grew up in and where my parents still live.  One of my self-imposed tasks of the week was to clean out what was left in my closet and my dresser, the last remaining momentos of my childhood that had been deemed important enough to keep but not important enough to bring with me after college.  I found some pretty awesome gems from my 90's childhood...

Anyone else miss the my-taste-buds-didn't-know-any-better awesomeness of the personal pan pizzas we got from participating in this program?!

These make me want to read the American Girl and Babysitter's Club books all over again!

And lots of reminders of the angst and uncomfortable process of "growing up"...

The back brace I wore for almost a year in middle school, a futile effort to manage my scoliosis

Almost all of these journals are from my college years - I guess I had a lot to process and pray about!

While moving all the times we did had its downsides, I can also look back on the school projects and the folded notes that were passed around during class and the yearbook comments from long forgotten classmates and realize that I have been well loved and that each home I lived in is part of who I am today.  And that gives me hope that this limbo time I'm in now will pass.  Someday I'll know exactly where I'm going when I set out in my car, someday I'll know where everything I want is in the grocery store, someday I'll be able to check out library books again, someday we'll have friends to have play dates with again, someday this new place will feel like home.  And in the meantime, I keep turning in my mind to Jude 2 (random, I know) - "Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance."  In Abundance.  Don't we all need these in abundance?  If you are the praying sort, please pray for me friends.  There's another whole month to go before we can even begin settling in our new home, and it's hard to truly rest in what you know to be a temporary home.  And while you're at it, give some thought to refugees in places like the Middle East, who truly don't have a home or any hope of one in sight.  Mercy God, or as a good friend puts it, grace please.

(Sorry for the doom and gloom here.  Life's not really so bad but it has its moments and today was one of them.  I'll try to share some of the fun things we've been doing to pass the time soon!)  

 

A moving house

Sometimes I think of things that I would post on Facebook if I was one of those people who shared every other thought on Facebook.  Tonight my status would have been:

Dear Stress:

Today, you won.  You 200% won.  Let's not repeat that tomorrow, or any other day in the foreseeable future.

Not so affectionally,

Me

I'll spare you the details of what put me in that frame of mind.  Suffice it to say that I think I've been keeping it all together pretty well but today was my low point.  And Baby P, who has never heard me sob before, took my sobs for laughter and laughed at my crying.  He's two.  I don't hold it against him.  But still, like I said - low point.  Hopefully it's all up from here, right?

So let's talk about the house, what I have been thinking of as "the moving house".  We're almost done with our house.  The first house we ever owned.  The house we brought our babies home from the hospital to.  Due to the strange timing of how our moved worked out, we've been in "moving" mode for quite awhile.  Which means the boys have been having quite a bit of fun with the cardboard chaos that surrounds them.

In the massive upheaval of a moving house, anything and everything can wind up in the pack 'n play.

And why is the pack 'n play out in a moving house?  Because little (and big) boys had fun playing with tools to disassemble the regular crib (the one that actually still contains the not-so-much-a-baby-anymore Baby P!)

A moving house is also full of boxes, like boxes that aren't taped into boxes yet.

"It's a slide!  Whee!!"

A moving house has boxes that are waiting to be packed.

In his mind, all those boxes were set up as "church" - there was an organ, organ speakers, the pulpit, etc.  Isn't a child's imagination wonderful?

A moving house has boxes that are found to be unsuitable for packing (but perfect for playing!)

Guess who else wants in the box with the hole in the side?!

Perhaps, in the end, our moving house has too many boxes?

But now the boxes are all packed, and mostly already in our new state, and mostly all that's left to do is say goodbye.  I've moved enough in my life to know that there is a huge feeling of relief that washes over me once all the goodbyes are done.  So the next few days, our last in this lovely little town, will be filled with an impatience to get it all done, checked by my knowledge that it's also important to say goodbye, for me and the boys.  So ready or not, here we go!

Enveloped in love

When pulling a family together from all corners of the country to celebrate a 60th wedding anniversary, it's understandable that love would be part of the weekend.  But my family's version of love is truly something special.  It is whirlwind powerful, built on a deep knowledge of one another and respect (mostly) for the differences that exist among us, it is generous, it is hard work and it is cherished.  In one way or another, it defines all of us, for which I am incredibly grateful.  This love manifests itself in many ways, only a few of which I have pictures for...

There's the original love, like between mother and daughter.

The love of good food.

And drinks.  Lots of drinks.

There's Baby P's unprecedented, obsessive love for my grandmother's dog (who, make no mistake, is part of the family).

And finally, the love between generations.

My grandfather thinks a lot these days about the wisdom he wants to leave behind for all of us.  What I hope he realizes is that he's already given us the greatest gift of all - each other.